I have been independent since I was little. I am 6 years younger than my sister, and 5 years older than my brother and 10 years older than my youngest sister. I don't remember being able to confide in my siblings growing up until we were much older and more mature. We moved 13 times by the time I was 15, so I never really established solid friendships, apart from one (friends since 2nd grade). Although that made me comfortable with change, easy to find friends and a great navigator of new situations and people, I feel I also learned to not rely on others for anything. I was not too emotionally attached to anything or anyone because I new it would not last. In 8th grade we finally stayed in one house for 6 yrs. I was already pretty independent by then, so I pretty much made up my mind and did it without needing any approval ( my parents blood pressure can attest to that).
I made some pretty wild decisions before my frontal lobe was developed. At age 15 I, along with my 16 yr old friend, tried to finagle a "test drive" of my dads nice little 2 seater, silver car he was selling, speaking from a payphone, on spring break, at 11 p.m.... yes grounded. ( We thought we were so clever)
At age 16 some friends and I went to Las Vegas for New Years Eve.... I got lost, almost kidnapped, found another group of friends, and walked miles to get to a ride home by 6 a.m....sorry mom and dad. They never new about that one.
Age 17, went to California on spring break with 2 friends, got in a car accident, and instead of calling our parents, we walked and hitch hiked and rode the Greyhound bus home. My parents didn't know I was in an accident (thankfully we weren't injured, but the car was totaled) until I called from downtown Fremont Street in Las Vegas at 1 a.m. to let them know we would be a day late.
You know, so they wouldn't worry.
I could go on, and on.
I knew my parents loved me. I knew they trusted me (or at least tried). Hey, I was never arrested, I was not drinking or doing drugs. I was just independent and blindly motivated to go out and do more than I was mature enough to do.
This kind of naivety does lead to other things. Making bold and brash decisions had not really kicked me in the gut yet ( you'd think a car accident would do the trick...). I was lucky up till then.
At age 19 I was pregnant. Three days after my 20th birthday I was married. Six months later I was separated and at age 21 I was a divorced single mother, working full time and completely confident in myself and the future I had sewn.
Believe me though, there were tears, lots of tears, lots of silent suffering and alone tears. I did not let many people see it though.
So here's the "me in a nutshell" relation to how I approach things and why most people in my life find out what I am determined to do or what I have already done. I do not ask "what should I do?".
I rarely ask advice (apart from my mom) or ask others input. I seek answers alone, I gain knowledge independently, I research, I try, I fail, but I don't ask permission (except with my husband, I want to keep this one forever) and I don't apologize for my failures, i instead use them as stepping stones. But I love to share any successes for those seeking the way I do.
I also have become accustomed to suffering alone. I withdraw during trials, not because I cant handle things, but because I solve problems and engineer solutions better on my own. I can admit it is partly my pride. I do not like asking others for help. But I realize I do need support. This I am working on.
In this blog I will share what I am going through to heal myself from something that is eating me alive. I am fortunate, and I know it could be worse. I am also fortunate I can cure myself. I want to warn everyone that making decisions on your health is your responsibility, you are accountable to yourself. You must make the best decisions for you and anyone can get multiple opinions from multiple professionals (which I am not a professional). Asking your doctor about any health protocols, especially regarding medication, help IS essential. Ultimately, you know your body, mind and spirit better than any professional. I found this out through myself and multiple family members. It hurts very much to trust someone who is expected to help you, and they just make things worse.
This is my story of needing help and after conventional failures, I found my answer.
This has become my passion. This is my future unfolding. I heart Alternative Medicine.
